KINDERGARTEN COP 2 (PG-13)
Released by Universal Home Entertainment
Reviewed by Dan Bringhurst
KINDERGARTEN COP 2…Let me begin by saying that I went into this movie with an almost astonishingly low level of expectations, considering the obvious and decidedly bad material that looked to be on display. As a fan of the original film, however – and a fan of Ahnold specifically (no, he doesn’t make a cameo) – I felt compelled to see this one through to the end. Alas, the results here are virtually unfathomable.
But let me step back for a moment and explain where I’m coming from. I don’t watch many modern films that exploit a fighter’s potential to act beyond getting angry and throwing chairs. But back in the day, who didn’t love them some Rowdy Roddy Piper or Hulk Hogan? Alas, those days are gone for me.
Dolph Lundgren, that meat suit spilling with testosterone, coveted by women like some second rate Pitt or Fabio doesn’t seem to know that in reality he looks like Dennis Leary on some unhealthy regiment of steroids and Muscle Milk.
But I can’t go on commenting on Dolph, lest I find myself going on forever about the cardboard acting, or the arthritic movements of a man who appears to have trouble simply walking from one room to another. Such commentary is weak sauce. Let’s talk about what matters most: the movie itself.
We begin with an interrogation conducted by our faithful hero. When the power suddenly goes out during said interrogation, Dolph swiftly withdraws his firearm, because power outages are usually the result of nefarious assassins and not weather or other natural causes, obviously. As he prowls the dark hallways, he sees a series of figures at the base of the stairs. Now, mind you, there hasn’t really been ANY cause for alarm, but despite this, he begins firing. Dolph kills nearly all of these “figures,” presumably thankful that they weren’t postal workers, old women, children, janitors, or other officers housed in such a giant police station.
But the best part is when Dolph’s intrepid Agent Reed takes a vending machine that had previously given him the shaft by way of keeping his Twix bar. He uses the machine as a rolling shield and pushes it atop an evil-doer, and this moment is accompanied by the ever-iconic Wilhelm Scream, if that matters to anyone but me. Immediately following, there is an abrupt cut away, but I can only assume that Dolph got the Twix he was owed. All this candy business aside, perhaps I should share with you the larger plot, because I know you’ve been pining for it. You’ve been feverishly asking “what is this masterpiece really about, anyway?”
KINDERGARTEN COP 2 is about a team of nefarious fiends who hide a flash drive that contains a leaked list of individuals in the ever elusive witness protection program. The man who orchestrated the crime – a kindergarten teacher, as it were – is believed to have hidden the flash drive in the classroom, and now Dolph must impersonate a teacher in hopes of acquiring the drive.
The Godless heathens who make up the kindergarten class are busy at work finger painting, crying, and inciting a general state of chaos, which doesn’t negate the occasional funny line such as one when a boy whispers–in secret– to Dolph: “My sister has a vagina”. For some reason, in my mind, this conjures the infamous Willie Soke of BAD SANTA fame muttering: “Great. Another f***ing mongoloid. Marcus, get this kid off me!”
Let’s call this part of the review an intermission, a sudden moment of awareness and clarity, or perhaps an over indulgence in alcohol, but I found myself nearly an hour into this movie thinking that “this movie is impossible!” Not physically impossible, because, well, here we are. But it seems unlikely that someone had actually green-lit this, or that coffee was brewed in preparation of filming, or that someone actually hammered a KINDERGARTEN COP 2 set together.
Other epiphanies I pondered throughout my viewing: “Lundgren sounds like Ted Levine,” “Arnold must be turning left somewhere right now,” and “It’s weird how Dolph is always paired with young vixens instead of women closer to his own age…like Glenn Close.” In fairness, Ms. Close is 10 years older than Mr. Lundgren, but I think you get my point.
If everything sounds bleak here, or if I conveyed I was somehow dead inside at the hands of Don Michael Paul’s lifeless direction, then I’ve done my job. The plot was terrible, the dialogue was plastic, and the whole thing actually ends with a sudden (and supremely lame) “Scooby Doo”-style reveal, only to have the bad guys enter the room…Slow clapping! Seriously! I perceived this to mean “Congratulations, you got close – too close – and now I’ll kill you with a laser.” By the way, while we’re on the topic of slow clapping, that’s more than KINDERGARTEN COP 2 is ever going to get from me.
KINDERGARTEN COP is currently available on Blu-ray and DVD.
