6 HORRENDOUS MOVIES I LOVED AS A KID!

Article by Abbey Archer

Let’s face it: kids are kind of dumb. They’re lovable and funny and full of the kind of vivacity I imagine a chipmunk on crack would feel, but they’re also still developing their brains and learning things— hence, kind of dumb. We were all kids once, so we should own up to our dumbness. Thankfully, we all grow up (that’s the eternal hope, anyway) and can laugh at some of the ridiculous things we used to do and love, including our movie preferences. And while I will continue to be a defender of some critically reviled movies from my childhood (HOOK IS NOT THAT BAD, ROGER EBERT, GOSH), there are some that haunt me so severely that I stare at myself in the mirror and ask, “What were you thinking?”

Godzilla (1998)

I don’t know what it is was about this movie, but there was a time when I held this in the same esteem as most critics hold Citizen Kane, Casablanca, and The Godfather. Because, clearly, Godzilla is just as masterfully filmed and subdued as those masterpieces. Now, after re-watching this recently, I’m left with many questions that I feel need to be answered:

Why isn’t Matthew Broderick an earthworm scientist in real life? Since Hank Azaria and Harry Shearer play characters in this, does it mean Godzilla exists in the Simpsons universe? Does the fact that Roland Emmerich made his giant lizard that walks like a chicken a female make him a feminist? And, is the never-seen mate of Godzilla called Godzillo?

Someone needs to ask the hard questions.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)

Now, I realize that this movie is actually highly regarded by critics, and it does have quite amazing visuals for its time. But I just recently went back and watched this, and… It’s pretty horrifying.

For those who need a reminder of the plot, here’s the Chicken Soup for the Deranged version: Doctor Emmett Brown murders an innocent toon, wants to basically murder Mickey Mouse and your favorite cartoon characters, and then gets his comeuppance from a steamroller, only to POP HIS HUMAN EYES OUT and reveal Michele Bachman-level crazy cartoon eyes. (Google it. You’ll see what I mean.) Add the whole fact that a mentally-challenged rabbit, who is married to a woman that gives Barbie a run for her money, is continually getting shot at by Edward G. Robinson weasels, and you have bestiality in a Goodfellas setting at its finest.

That’s a sentence I never thought I would write.

All Dogs Go to Heaven (1989)

(Was there something in the water in 1989? Because there are some real bonkers movies from that year.)

So guess what, kiddies? There’s a 50/50 chance that your dog will go to hell when they die. Especially if their inner voice sounds like Burt Reynolds. Seriously, pray to whatever god or spaghetti monster you believe in that your beloved, furry best friend doesn’t end up in a place that rivals Dante’s vision of the inferno in every way imaginable. And keep him away from old-school pocket watches, cigar-chomping bulldogs, and drag queen alligators.

I wish I could say this will guarantee him access to heaven, but at this point, I just don’t know.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

Elephant in the room: The Phantom Menace is a terrible movie, and Jar Jar Binks is clearly the lovechild birthed from Satan’s loins, but it will always have a special place in my heart. Now that that’s out of the way … Attack of the Clones is a far worse movie. Don’t believe me? Let’s have the future Darth Vader convince you otherwise:

“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.” Cool story, bro. I bet you’re a barrel of laughs at the beach.

“I killed them all. They’re dead, every single one of them. And not just the men. But the women, and the children, too.” I’m actually kind of impressed you can tell Tusken Raider men and women apart.

“One day, I will become the greatest Jedi ever. I will even learn how to stop people from dying.”

Wah-wah…

Pearl Harbor (2001)

Critically-lauded and definitely-not-misogynistic director Michael Bay gave us this real gem of a movie sixteen years ago. It has everything you’d expect from the man who once turned Bruce Willis into a martyr: knockout performances from Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett that have no trouble keeping their accents throughout; non-racist portrayals of Japanese people; a polio-afflicted FDR rising from his wheelchair with thrilling historical accuracy; and (spoiler alert) a beautiful, virtuous love triangle that doesn’t result in an accidental pregnancy.

There’s also explosions! Bum shots! Double entendres! Alec Baldwin being his Alec Baldwiniest! Patriotism beaten into your skulls! Because what else can you expect from the man who will bring us fourteen more Transformers movies?

Twenty bucks says Transformers 18 has Optimus Prime on robot dialysis in between rescuing Jai Courtney from zombie Bumblebee.

Jurassic Park III (2001)

Steven Spielberg must have pissed off some reptilian ocean demigod back in the days that he made Jaws, because the man has a curse on him: anytime someone tries to turn a film of his into a franchise, the resulting movies are abysmal at best, and hilariously repugnant at worst. Yes, I know Spielberg kind of shot himself in the foot by directing The Lost World: Jurassic Park, but his dinosaur sequel is crème brûlée compared to Jaws: The Revenge’s blodplättar. (Again, Google it. Why, Sweden? Why?) But I’m not talking about the second installment in the Jurassic Park franchise; I’m talking about its ugly uncle.

Poor Doctor Allen Grant is dragged into an idiotic plan to rescue some rich couples’ stranded son on Isla Sorna, where dinosaurs are running rampant. And by the end of it, you’re wishing they’d all bitten the dust. The acting is both lazy and over-the-top, the CGI is awful and hasn’t aged very well at all, and every single time Téa Leoni screams out her son’s name, I was hoping that stupid Spinosaurus would just appear out of thin air and eat her. You had one job, Spiny, and you FAILED!

On the other hand, Jurassic Park III gave us the talking velociraptor from Sam Neill’s dream, which is, hands down, the greatest CGI character ever put to screen. Suck it, Gollum!