In honor of the witching season, we’ll profile a new Halloween-centric title every day throughout the month of October.
I SAID HIS KEYS, NOT HIS CHEESE!
Article by Adam Mast
STUDENT BODIES (R)-1981
So obviously, in this column you’ll be hearing about a lot of very recognizable works of horror and in some cases, you’ll hear about lesser know gems like yesterday’s title, HABIT. Today, I’m profiling a straight up guilty pleasure. A movie so ridiculously juvenile that it has to be seen to be believed. The thing is, it’s a title that very few folks know about. Even a lot of people my own age look at me with bewilderment when I ask them what they think about 1981’s righteously hilarious, undeniably stupid, and relentlessly immature slasher parody, STUDENT BODIES.
As far as I’m concerned, this is the original SCARY MOVIE and one of the things that’s most interesting about it is that it was spoofing a subgenre that was very much in its prime at the time. STUDENT BODIES was released the same year that FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 came out if that gives you any idea of the time frame we’re talking about, here.
STUDENT BODIES centers around a mysterious killer who spends his/her days picking off promiscuous students at a fictional high school. This is no ordinary killer, though. He’s extremely thrifty and creative in his choosing of murder weapons. Paper clips, chalk board erasers, horse-head bookends, egg plant, etc. You’ve never seen murder weapons like these before.
At the heart of STUDENT BODIES is the tale of sweet, virginal Toby (Kristen Ritter)–a teenager who ultimately becomes a prime suspect after a series of murders grips a high school campus with fear. Through the aid of her nerdy boyfriend Hardy (Matthew Goldsby), Toby hatches a plan that she hopes will not only prove her innocence but also reveal the identity of the actual killer.
Cleary, the works of the Zucker Brothers are a major influence here. STUDENT BODIES tries to do for slasher films what AIRPLANE did for airline disaster flicks and while this isn’t nearly as classy of an affair, there’s no doubt that STUDENT BODIES offers up a shit ton of big laughs, particularly during a hilarious opening sequence in which a babysitter is stalked by a goofy antagonist know as ‘The Breather.” “The Breather” spends a great deal of this picture breaking down the fourth wall, and telling viewers directly what his gleefully gruesome plans are for his clueless victims. Our horrifying killer is voiced with dopey, appropriately cartoonish precision by Jerry Belson. “The Breather’s” WHEN A STRANGER CALLS-inspired opener is particularly noteworthy offering up a site gag so positively disgusting, I’m still shocked the filmmakers got away with it.
I can only hope I’m not bombarded with hate mail from angry readers upset with me for daring to recommend a movie so childish and all out dumb, but again, STUDENT BODIES is a guilty pleasure of the highest order. It’s a movie I first saw at the ripe age of 11. I snuck downstairs and watched this R-rated gem at 3 in the morning on some now defunct cable channel as my parents remained fast asleep. In the years since first experiencing STUDENT BODIES, I have forced countless friends to take the plunge. Some of these folks have remained friends, some have not.
To clue you in on just how silly this movie is, STUDENT BODIES offers up body count numbers via on screen text throughout its brisk and breezy 86- minute running time. Perhaps even more brilliantly, right at the peak of “Breather”-inspired carnage, STUDENT BODIES cuts out, offering up this random, R-rated public service announcement to you, the captivated viewer.
Having already offered you up my highest STUDENT BODIES endorsement, if this movie is remembered for anything, it will be for an unforgettable appearance by an actor known simply as “The Stick.” This lumbering, gangly, long-armed mystery of a man plays a character called Malvert. He’s the high school janitor in the film and in addition to his extraordinary flexibility and having a blow up doll for a girlfriend, he’s best known for his exceptional punch making skills. Why this guy didn’t have more big screen acting gigs following STUDENT BODIES, is beyond me.
Listen, this isn’t high art. STUDENT BODIES is low brow humor at its lowest common denominator, and I unapologetically love this movie with every fiber of my being precisely because of that fact. This flick was considered so bad, so wildly stupid, and so sloppily put together, that even the Producer left the project and was ultimately replaced by the legendary Alan Smithee (be sure to IMDB this guy and check out his extraordinary list of credits.) If you ask me, all the negativity surrounding this movie makes absolutely no sense. My love for STUDENT BODIES runs as deep as Malvert’s love for his inflatable soul mate. I can’t recommend this wacky movie enough.
COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN
October 13th-“Habit”–Click Here
October 12th- “The Twilight Zone” – Click Here
October 11th- “Creepshow” – Click Here
October 10th-“Shaun of the Dead“-Click Here
October 9th-“Invasion of the Body Snatchers”– Click Here
October 8th-“The Final Girls”–Click Here
October 7th-“Something Wicked This Way Comes”–Click Here
October 6th- “We Are Still Here”–Click Here
October 5th-“Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn”–Click Here
October 4th- “Phantom of the Paradise“-Click Here
October 3rd-“Poltergeist“-Click Here
October 2nd-“The Babadook“-Click Here
October 1st-“John Carpenter’s The Thing“-Click Here
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